Thursday, January 27, 2011

Life Lessons

So I'm sitting here, staring at the computer screen, thinking that for sure I have something profound to express. But to tell you the truth, I've got nothin', here. Not feeling the vibes.

I've wondered lately, in my somewhat overly-dramatic mind, if this rash of writing frenzy is going to be for a vast purpose. Such as, I might get hit by a van hauling thousands of pounds of chocolate this year, and kick the bucket. One never knows. And honestly, I can't think of a better way to go. Death by Chocolate has always sounded 'right' to me. But if that happened, would my children, desperate for anything that was Mom, (Or Mommie Dearest, as they affectionately refer to me), search for and unearth my writings, and absorb every last word? If so, my time will not have been spent in vain.

I'm making light of it, of course, but I've been compelled to write more lately than I have ever been at any other time in my life...even those crazy teen-aged, journalling years ("I think he likes me, Dear Diary, do YOU think he likes me?" ....Oh, brother!) No matter the reason, it's been a curious happenstance for me. This Write-A-Thon, of sorts.

If I did Kick the Bucket, Buy the Farm, Check In....sometime in the near future....what would I want my two sons and a daughter to know? What would I want to pass on to them? Those little tidbits that I love to call Life Lessons, that's what. I'll have to ponder for a moment to think of some....

The Best Cleaning Advice Ever: Hire a MAID.

Chocolate can cure anything: Cramps. Headache. Heartache. Annoyances. Loneliness. Math problems (or at least make you temporarily forget about them). Boredome. An inferiority complex(You'll suddenly feel you're able to do anything!) A superiority complex (makes you realize you're nothing in comparison). Multiple Personality Disorder (you both realized you love chocolate, you find that one thing in common and build on that until you've melded personalities. See?....cured!) Marital problems. (Shut up and eat this chocolate off my bottom lip, Harold!) Financial problems (start selling it and it will make you rich....who doesn't like chocolate, for crying out loud?) The quest for religion. (I BELIEVE!) Medical ailments. (Pain? WHAT pain? All I know is the heaven this is resting on my taste buds...) See?....the cure-all.... Amen!

Always Wear Your Eyebrows. If you don't, no one will ever take you seriously. That, and your expressions will be impossible to read with those invisible things that Nature gave you. Or should I say, forgot to give you...

Look Both Ways Before Crossing the Street: Or, the freeway, as the case may be. If you don't, you could get run over by an eighteen-wheeler, flatten your first car, and have to ride a Huffy for a few months afterwards. And that hurts. Physically and financially... as well as socially.

Never Step Foot Out of Doors Without A Little Color: Even an old barn needs a bit of paint, from time to time. There are a seldom few that don't. Most of us aren't one of them.

Avoid People That Are Prone To Calling You 'Hon': Salesmen, Pastors, women your own age or younger, people that are taller than you. This is an act of aggression, meant to keep you as a subordinate. Do NOT, under any circumstances, publicly allow anyone to call you 'Hon'. This is different with friends and loved ones, of course, but those not within that privileged circle who dare utter the words should be immediately cast out. They probably think very little of you.

Run From Relationships that are Poison: Just like you know if you like a food, pretty much from the first bite....similarly, you know if it's going to be good or bad fairly early. If it's bad, for goodness sakes, don't keep breathing life into it! Be smarter than I was and don't stay in relationships for most of your golden youth that are not good for you. If they're mean, they're going to get meaner. If they're lazy, they're going to get lazier. If they have no respect for your kind, they'll have even less by the time you leave. Remember the old Yiddish proverb.."What starts badly, goes badly." Don't waste your youth! Make haste, child! Run!

Don't Forget To Play: I've heard from my brilliant son, TJ, who loves to share knowlege, that the most intelligent animals PLAY. You can tell who the smarties are, by whether they have the ability to play or not. When you're driving into the next town for that business meeting, pack a pair of Nikes with you and go for a hike up that hill right afterwards. Take a picnic with you and eat out of doors on a blanket or your jacket, like those in Europe do. Take a nap under a tree. Climb a tree. Dance in your living room and both frighten your children and delight your senses. Sit out on your front porch and greet every neighbor going by...offer them some lemonade. Teach a small child how to use a hula hoop. Sing at the top of your lungs in the car....and if you get caught by friends at a red light, just turn the music up so they can hear it, too! Eat ice cream out of a cone, no matter how old you are...make sure to order sprinkles on top. If you're a woman, wear your hair in pigtails sometimes around the will make you feel like a girl, again. Overeat sometimes, and have someone join you. Have a movie marathon night, stay up all night and sleep in all the next day. Play checkers with a five year old and let them win. Visit the zoo with red balloons in your hands. Challenge some kid to a vicious demolition derby in bumper cars. Rent the paddle boats with the big swan heads. Bob for apples.

There are more, but none I can think of right now. I think I need to find some song from my high school years and turn it up as loud as I can, and go dance in my living room.

And Kids: If you're reading this right now...It was the butler, in the study, with a chocolate bar....Death by Chocolate...what a way to go. Tell him I said, "Thanks."

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